Attack of the Southern Panty Brigade

As of lately, Thatcher Hall, the woman’s dormitory here at Southern Adventist University, has had a series of break-ins. Reports from the infamous Campus Safety informed the student body that windows were broken and some select items were stolen from certain rooms. What they forgot to inform us was that these thieves seem to have some kind of panty fetish. The only thing that was stolen from each room was some underwear. As if that was not bad enough, the culprits are evidently Zoro wanna-be’s except they are not suave enough to have swords. Instead these clowns take a single pair of undies and fold them (perhaps how they always watched their mothers do) and then proceed to lay them on the victim’s beds.

While talking to my sister, Dolly, the other day, she asked if I was frightened by such vandalism. Negative ghostwriter, and my response is such for a number of reasons. First, all the intrusions occurred on the first floor. Unless the president of the Panty Brigade is planning operation Spider Man, I doubt that he will be bothering me up here on the third floor. Second, we are referring to individuals who pass over computers, wallets, and items of significant value for a pair of Vicky Secrets! Maybe I am overly confident, but I don’t feel that this should illicit emotions of fear. My third and final reason is simply because an underwear thief would not want to mess with someone like me. There are many things in this world that I can handle, but perverts are not one of them. Having moved my residency to the South, I seem to have developed this ornery streak. Maybe I’ve always had it and it just took living here for 3 years to bring it out. Whatever the case may be, an old-school saying is brought to mind at times like these and it goes a little something like this, “Homey don’t play that!”

So be forewarned Panty Brigade. Choose wisely when you are creeping around Thatcher Hall, because in all honesty, you will likely find yourself hanging from the third story by your own panties if you feel so inclined to surf on my turf!