Cut It Out

I went for a drive last night, something I haven't done for awhile, and despite the music coming from my radio I sifted through some feelings, and threw around some ideas only to come to one conclusion, she was right.

Last week I wrote to my elder sister desparately seeking some clarity and advice. Of course when you ask for advice it seems that what you get is never what you want to hear, but perhaps what no one else is brave enough to say. Thus was the case as I received her reply to my cries.

I knew that deep down most of what she was telling me was truth, and yet it all seemed so painful and so I pushed it aside, something to be dealt with another day when I possessed more strength. But that's the funny thing about problems. They're built to last. They don't go away so easily, they don't lose steam, forcing you to deal with them.

So it is that I have decided that there is a person that I have to cut out of my life. Which if you've ever had to do something like this, you'd know that it is the hardest thing in the world. These people are never really the kind of people that you want to let go of, but more like those you know are either directly or indirectly causing you unbearable amounts of pain. But once you've done it once, it gets easier.

I'm tired, or really more like exhausted. I'm exhausted from trying to make you notice me, and then living with the disappointment of knowing that you don't. But more than that I'm tired of always being the one to love, but never be loved, and you don't know how horrible that feels. I need to guard my heart more carefully. I need to be a little less personal. That's not to say that I have to be some closed up hermit who distances myself from everyone else. But I'm learning that there are people who you can't be personal with. You can't be personal with people that you are genuinely attracted to, and I'm not simply referring to physical attraction. When you're attracted to someone's personality you become vulnerable, and the last situation you want to be vulnerable in is one that is not going to change. This isn't going to change, and even if it did, I already feel rejected and a bit resentful.

And so the battle axe swings leaving nothing but separation. You'd think I'd learn by now, and I guess I have, and unfortunately these are the consequences. But you know what? Sister you were right about something else. I never thought I'd be able to love anyone else again after what happened before, and here I am feeling that way all over again. So it's possible. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it.