Stuck In A Moment

Have you ever seen a clock whose battery is dying? The only indication that something is wrong is found in the second hand. It moves, but it doesn't. Its tiny movement contradicts the only word that best describes what any onlooker observes. It moves, but never advances. It moves, but never back tracks.

It moves ever so pathetically, desperately trying to accomplish the only job it knows to do. I feel like that second hand - attempting to push forward yet something so necessary seems to be holding me back. I'm moving, but I'm not advancing., stuck in a moment. . . . .

Change

Life, it's all about change, and although it sounds rather cliche, the majority of it occurs unbeknownst to even ourselves. Everyday our bodies experience unfelt change. And for those sincerely oblivious souls, nature whispers gentle reminders as simple as our most recent change in seasons. Some of us thrive on it, while others shudder at the slighest mention of change.

Categorically, I hold a strong membership with the latter group. To say that I hate change would be an understatement. I suppose my aversion to change stems from the fact that it challenges my comfort. Yet it is inevitable, and as of lately seems to be washing over me in torrents.

Last week The Second approached me to ask my advice, or rather my opinion, on a situation. What would I think of him transferring to MICU? In moments like these it seems that the heart and the mind fight over control of the tongue. Both have plenty to say, and although you'd rather speak from the heart, you also have to present your case with some level of decorum, and thus the mind remains victorious.

Of course I do not want him to leave. That would require a great deal of change, therefore causing a great deal of discomfort. But I didn't feel it would be fair to play the selfish card, and so I agreed that it would be a wise move on his part.

I cried that morning, not to his face of course, but once I'd gotten home and had processed the idea over in my head. In my life it seems that change and loss are synonomous. They are one and the same. Something changes, therefore something is lost.

I suppose that it all boils down to how I fit into his life. We work together. That is how I fit into his life. Without that it's as if someone took an eraser and rubbed me out of the picture. I won't fit into his life. And that's a change I don't know how to adjust to. . . . .

Hammer On This

I have a new favorite instrument. I was recently listening to some Andrew Peterson and I have repeatedly detected the use of the hammer dulcimer. What a sound. I love it! Sister you need to learn to play this!

Dissecting The Truth

It's funny that I have entitled this blog as such, especially considering that I don't condone such actions. The truth, in this case being Biblical truth, or what we know to be truth according to the Seventh-day Adventist church, seems these days to be multiple choice.

Recently I have met one particular person who at first struck me to be quite devout in his Christian beliefs or more specifically, his Adventist beliefs. Then he made the biggest mistake that any two-faced individual can make. He showed his true self.

The other day I happened to be singing a song from the radio. I can't help it, I live for music, all types. Yet for some reason this seemed to strike a sour cord within my new acquaintance, prompting him to question my religious beliefs. "Aren't you Adventist?" he chimed, knowing full well that I was because we had discussed the matter earlier. I immediately detected his sarcasm but indulged him in his ignorance and again reminded him that yes indeed, I was an Adventist, which again prompted him to scold me. Of course I should know better than to listen to the radio (according to him), for this was a sin worthy of excommunication. Yet no sooner had he scolded me than he was singing something from the radio as well. I held my tongue though, resisting the urges to point out his hypocrisy, yet informed him that it could be a lot worse, and that believe it or not, I am very selective in what I listen to despite the fact that I'm attracted to many different genres.

That was day one.

Day two rolled around and Mister Holier-Than-Thou decided to ask me some questions about diet. He very openly admitted to recently devouring some pork, which he found to be quite delectable. As my exposure to said individual increased he also admitted to eating shellfish and drinking beer. I later recall overhearing him talking to another person, educating them on the in's and out's of our religion. The thing that really jumped out at me was when he was talking about what our church believes regarding the morality of drinking. He admitted that it is not something we are taught is a Kosher practice but added, "I have a sip every now and again. . . . ."

Which brings me to my point:

When God carved into the tablets of stone the 10 commandments there was not an addendum at the end permitting us to pick and choose which of His laws were convenient for us, let alone which ones we decided we just didn't want to follow. I find it quite insulting that this person feels the need to criticize the fact that I am singing a song from the radio, deliberately pointing out the fact that I am Adventist, but then feels it is okay to hypocritically represent that very same religion. Of course I am no saint. I will be the first one to admit that I am not perfect (by far). But at the same time I am not pointing the finger at others and then blantantly doing what I was just criticising them for doing.

Yet even more than that I am mad that people think this is right, to pick and choose what works for them and what doesn't. I'm very black and white, especially when it comes to religion. There are some things that are just wrong, no matter how you slice it. I'm not saying that someone who chooses to eat pork is going to miss out on the experience of Heaven, because I do not have that authority. But our Biblical instructions are not a potluck to choose from. You're either on board or you're not. You either love God enough to give up certain things, or maybe you don't. Of course, too, I do not have the right to decide how much someone loves the Lord, but don't actions speak louder than words? Doesn't that mean something?

Cut It Out

I went for a drive last night, something I haven't done for awhile, and despite the music coming from my radio I sifted through some feelings, and threw around some ideas only to come to one conclusion, she was right.

Last week I wrote to my elder sister desparately seeking some clarity and advice. Of course when you ask for advice it seems that what you get is never what you want to hear, but perhaps what no one else is brave enough to say. Thus was the case as I received her reply to my cries.

I knew that deep down most of what she was telling me was truth, and yet it all seemed so painful and so I pushed it aside, something to be dealt with another day when I possessed more strength. But that's the funny thing about problems. They're built to last. They don't go away so easily, they don't lose steam, forcing you to deal with them.

So it is that I have decided that there is a person that I have to cut out of my life. Which if you've ever had to do something like this, you'd know that it is the hardest thing in the world. These people are never really the kind of people that you want to let go of, but more like those you know are either directly or indirectly causing you unbearable amounts of pain. But once you've done it once, it gets easier.

I'm tired, or really more like exhausted. I'm exhausted from trying to make you notice me, and then living with the disappointment of knowing that you don't. But more than that I'm tired of always being the one to love, but never be loved, and you don't know how horrible that feels. I need to guard my heart more carefully. I need to be a little less personal. That's not to say that I have to be some closed up hermit who distances myself from everyone else. But I'm learning that there are people who you can't be personal with. You can't be personal with people that you are genuinely attracted to, and I'm not simply referring to physical attraction. When you're attracted to someone's personality you become vulnerable, and the last situation you want to be vulnerable in is one that is not going to change. This isn't going to change, and even if it did, I already feel rejected and a bit resentful.

And so the battle axe swings leaving nothing but separation. You'd think I'd learn by now, and I guess I have, and unfortunately these are the consequences. But you know what? Sister you were right about something else. I never thought I'd be able to love anyone else again after what happened before, and here I am feeling that way all over again. So it's possible. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it.

Girl Put Your Records On. . . . .

I just bought this CD and it's really awesome. I highly recommend it. Here's one of my favorite songs.

Other Side Of The World

Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an iceberg
Waiting to change,
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like
The water.

All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water.

Then the fire fades away
But most of every day
Is full with tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're on the other side of the world to me

On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers
And feeling alike
But the time has come to move along.

Then the fire fades away
But most of every day
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're on the other side of the world to me.

Can you help me?
Can you let me go?
And can you still love me
When you can't see me anymore?

Then the fire fades away
But most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're on the other side of the world
To me.

- KT Tunstall