The New And Improved, With Attachments

Yes, that's right. You heard correctly. I received my verification of licensure this AM. I'm officially and forever Patti Porawski RN! I almost feel as if I am walking on clouds, this being one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. I'm not a nobody, but a name with a face and an occupation. One of the most respected occupations in the continental United States and all around the world. If I ever felt successful it would be at this very moment.

Again I have received some comments that need to be addressed. So now onto more pressing matters:

My dear sister, maybe I am not as smart as you think I am. I could quite possibly be the most stupifying idiot that ever walked the face of God's green earth. And quite honestly that is how people have made me feel. I really have considered all the things that you have brought to my attention. I think that most people don't realize all the things that I am aware of. I may even be more aware of some things then you think. My brain has turned over numerous scenarios of how life would be under certain hypothetical situations. Often times I have to stop myself because it all really becomes a nightmare.

Yet I am not sure what else to tell you. Sometimes I wish that I could run away to a far foreign country and leave it all behind. But I am far too attached to this place and not just because this is where we met. There are so many other people here that I love too much and could not bear to have them out of my life.

I can't seem to transfer my feelings and reasons to paper. It is something that I feel only God and I understand. And maybe there are even times when He is the only one who understands. I'm not quite sure.

But really, I'm tired. I'm so tired of trying to explain it all. Lately I have regretted some of the things that I have said. But then I reconsider and recant. I don't regret it at all. I don't regret what I feel. If I'm displeasing to others and misunderstood, then so be it. But I feel like a huge load is off my back. One thing that you forget though. It is not as if I have packed all my belongings and spontaneously headed for Bayou La Batre, Alabama actively seeking him out. His feelings are obviously his choice. We have not talked about us for a long time, and unfortunately I do not read minds. I'm not even sure if he still knows how I feel. He always used to say to me, "Patti, I know you love me." And that was the end of the conversation. He knew, and that was all I needed to know. With that I was satisfied.

I do not want people to assume that I am pursuing him, because like I said before, this is a choice that he has to make. At times I feel he has already made up his mind. But at the same time I wonder if he knew how I felt, would that make things different? I always tell him that I don't want to open a can of worms. I don't think this is something that he and I will talk about ever again, unless he finds and reads this. I think the end was long ago. But there is so much that I have never told him that I feel needs to be said. There are so many things that he really needs to know. Too much to say here.

I suppose that is all I wanted to say. I'm not ready to not love him.

One More Thing

I'm getting the impression that people, especially those who are privy to the most intimate details of the afore mentioned situation, think me to be completely off my rocker. All these feelings that I have so foolishly revealed to nearly all the world are indeed the inhabitations of the utmost deepest parts of the heart and my head.

I feel that within all of us remains the tendency to be naive. Unfortunately I often catch myself in such situations. I'm sure that unanimously most would consider that my current state is one such occasion. I can't help but continue this topic of discussion, for I feel a bit slighted, and very misunderstood.

I am big into reason. I want to know why, and this is readily clear after considering my choice of occupation. I don't just want you to tell the heart is failing. I want to know why. I want to know there is ventricular hypertrophy or cardimyopathy or whatever the case may be. Then I want to know what that means. Fill me in. Help me understand. I feel this sense of curiosity, if you will, comes as a great benefit, and at the same time it is my curse. It is not rare for me to offer up prayers of questioning. Why? I want to know why? Tell me why this is happening. Yet just a few months ago, I read a quote off of someone's door while walking through the dorm. I don't know who the author of such words is, but his or her words struck me with such truth.

"The heart has reasons that even reason does not know."

Call it stupidity. Call it ignorance. Call it whatever you wish. But don't think that these are not all things that I have not repeatedly and currently considered. With that said, I shall now attempt to recap the can of worms that I have opened over the past few days.

And Now, A Word From Billy. . . . .

You may be right,
I may be crazy,
Oh but it just may be a lunatic you're lookin for. . . .

- Billy Joel

Encore!

With meds given and patients tucked in the clock strikes 11 or as we say 2300 and thus begins downtime. In these free moments, instead of kicking back and relaxing briefly I have chosen to read up on my blog comments. It seems that I have muddied the water quite a bit with my feelings. I truly appreciate all the well calculated and genteely spoken words of encouragement concerning the direction my life is taking. But in all honesty I feel these comments are a bit biased. In fact I almost fell out of my chair necessitating some sort of resuscitation when I read some of the names of those commenting. You know who you are if you are reading this. I appreciate your point of view and yet at the same time, aside from my sister, yours is the most biased. Although I must admit that my views are also extremely biased.

Point in case, I wrote these things hoping that I would feel some sort of catharsis. I feel that I have been quite successful in my endevours. In fact I had a follow up today with someone a bit more knowledgable than any of my faithful commentors.

I really prefer gushing over my Bible and crying out to God as opposed to throwing things. For one it is less destructive and for another it is really inexpensive for a therapy session lasting as long as you desire. I held a prayer vigil, asking for leading and guiding and truth. I more or less have yet again submitted this to His will. There is a reason for these feelings. I am firm believer that there is a reason for everything that happens. I’ve also been told by someone very close to me that all the bad things in this life God will turn into something good. It my not be today or tomorrow, or even a year, but someday we can look back on a partiular scenario and see where He was leading.

Not to be hokey but there is a song by Rascal Flatts, a really great country song, and it goes a little like this:

Every long lost dream,
Lead me to where you are,
Others who broke my heart,
They were like Northern stars,
Pointing me on my way,
Into your lovin’ arms.
This much I know is true,
That God blessed the broken road,
That led me straight to you. . . . . . .

In a nutshell, this is how I feel. I had become so frustrated with myself and this façade that I was presenting. Tired of pretending that I felt one way when really my heart speaks something completely different. I can’t explain loving this person, I just always have. And to me that is the most beautiful thing. No conditions. No excuses. Just love. It’s a take it or leave it ultimatum. I feel as though a load has been lifted off my chest just by simply saying what I have been thinking for so long. But it’s in God’s hands, and He’s got a plan that is better than anything I can think of or any of my readers. It may take me awhile to get there, but it will come.

Diving Into The Deeper End Of My Head

Although I am sure that you all would love for me to address my absence of blogging, I have bigger fish to fry and thus I must address some other things, or shall I say thing. In all honesty it is not even so much a thing as it is a particular person. For the sake of anonymity I shall refrain from using any names and just refer to such individual as I have before.

I daily have struggled this summer. Mostly with myself. I'm at constant battle with my mind. I lay in bed thinking things over again and again. Don't get me wrong, I see blessings around me with every breath I take. But often I feel that I am in the wrong profession. At the mention of such words I can almost hear the gasps and introjections, but please hear me out. To understand the audacity of such words we must again travel back in time, but not to far, for it really was not very long ago.

I anxiously stood on the Southern Adventist University cafeteria dock. It was only just the beginning of summer and yet it felt as though it had come and gone unbeknownst to me. On the other end of the cell phone was the artificially soothing voice of my mother, attempting to convince me that everything was going to be fine. While deep in the pit of my soul I knew I had lost him. Of course this tale would not be the same if it weren't a man that I was fretting over. It was only June and he was gone for the rest of the summer. But for those few weeks that I had him, I had paradise, for you see, I loved him dearly. And thus lies my dilemma. He was gone. Tall, dark, and handsome, and gone. Gone. With my heart. And you might have deserved a Nobel Peace prize if you could convince me that he would return and things would be the same if not better than they had been for those few glorious weeks. My psychic vibes were way too strong to support anything but my gut feeling that as he took flight a chunk of my heart was with him, never to return. This was a feeling that not even Mom could erase.

I am not the type of person to say I told you so, but come August, it seems that those were the only words I could manage to extract from my heart wrenching sobs. Still to this day he does not know how I suffered that night. Dramatic as it all sounds, I felt my heart rip in half. I sat on the lower promanade overlooking Happy Valley and prayed to die. There are still many days that I feel this way, last night being the most recent. After talking to my tall, dark, and handsome past on the phone, I fought with myself to sleep. My physical body so tired and yet so restless. And then my release came with a flood of tears. I cried like I have not cried in so long. Where did I go wrong? What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so defective? Why can't I just be bitter and not love him so?

Lately I have desparately tried dropping not so subtle hints that I still care about him. Most unsuccessful. At least he is not saying anything in regards to my comments. After admitting my feelings twice and getting a not so positive response I decided to call it quits. No more love proclamations! To this I vowed. Yet lately it is all I can do to not stop him before I hang up the phone and say, "I still love you."

In the midsts of my tears last night I became overwhelmed with all these emotions and although I have vowed to not even so much as utter those three little words there is something I have to say:

You know who you are. You may read this, or you may never set eyes upon these words. If I were not such a coward I would tell you with my own voice, but this will have to suffice, to ease the urges of my soul. I love you. I love you like the first day. Like the first time you kissed me. And I fear I always will. And thus this is my curse, and this too is my blessing, to awaken every day and long to see your smile and hear your voice. My heart is brimming with such emotion that it leaves me dumbfounded. I can only pray these words might pull on your heart strings and warm your soul. I miss you, you know. I miss your looks and your laugh and the way you used to reach over to hold my hand. If this is all that will ever be, then leave me be. Bid me farewell and best of luck with life. Cut me loose, but know this, wherever you go, and whatever path you choose, and whoever you give your heart to, no one will ever love you as much as I do.

As a closing note, I apologize if I have offended or frightened my readers. I am sure that I will be hearing from some of you concerning these things. I know far too well the responses I shall receive for this. But in all honesty, I am tired, tired of pretending that I have healed and have moved on to greener pastures. I have never been so candid about any aspect of my life. Thus without floatation device or even a warning you may have just been undesirably thrown into the deep end of my head. . . .or shall I say my heart?

Good Grief Charlie Brown!

Imagine this if you will:
A young blond girl sitting in the computer lab at SAU, with both hands over her mouth in a vain attempt to keep her laughter from disturbing those in the immediate vicinity. This was me just about 5 minutes ago. I am sure that the entire lab has cleared since my disturbance. But really, thanks to whoever left me the comments, strange as they were. I needed a good laugh today.

Now, to address those things that have been requested.

1. My schedule is something that coincides with that of my preceptor's. If I am not returning calls it could be due to the fact that really do work most days and also the fact that my cell phone bill is $350. If burning within you lies such a strong desire to communicate with me I would consider it a most charitable deed to accept donations for paying the afore mentioned debt. Your help would be most appreciated!
2. The itching thing with the bugs sounds like it might be scabies. I have learned that when one feels as though they are being bit or something is crawling under their skin they have scabies. Stay away from other people. They do not want you sharing scabies! It is highly contagious! But of course this is not a for sure diagnosis. I am in no place to practice medicine. I am simply sharing what little medical information I have accumulated over the years.
3. About Leon. I would love to spend some time with you and get a bite to eat but as I said before, I am having some communication problems. I'll get to you as soon as I can. Or at least as soon as Verizon Wireless allows.
4. As for the rest of you, keep the comments coming, especially those of you who are fellow bloggers and people that I don't know. I love to see that other people are actually interested in what I have to say. Especially considering that I am really just another schmuck babbling the trifle details of my life.

"P" Squared - Not So Square

In my younger years as a high school student I adopted the name "P" Squared from one of my teachers, Mr. Rossnagel, this being the case because my first and last initials just so happen to both be "P". Some people have found it to be quite clever and thus the nickname has followed me through the remainder of my high school torture and college as well.

This all is quite significant, for you see, recently I tried to grow my fingernails square. One day out of sheer boredom, I settled myself on the sofa and furiously filed my nailtips flat. Being as it was that half my nails were still rounded, they appeared quite misshapen. But I was convinced that after a few weeks they would grow into those glorious beauties that I've seen in magazines.

Yesterday while catching some downtime I glanced down at my hands. My nails were grown out and yet they still did not look right. What was I trying to do? I had convinced myself that I could improve on Mother Nature and my genetics when I should have realized that what lies beneath always wins.

I suppose it is for the best that I remain my rounded self. After all, there is nothing square about any part of me. On my entire body there is not a single inch of anything that even remotely resembles a square. I could even go so far as to say that there is even very little of my personality which is square. Although I was told otherwise just 2 weeks ago.

While lounging with some friends one lonely Saturday night, I was struck by the comment made by my best friend's stepbrother. For the longest time he thought I was a stick in the mud, a square. Yet that evening as I jabbered about this and that and the other thing he came to the stricking realization that his initial judgement of me was all but right. I was simultaneously relieved and yet insulted. Is that how I come across to other people, especially males? Dolly once told me that I am intimidating to men, but I guess that is a completely different issue we won't touch today.

I would though like to take a census and see who really thinks that I am stick in the mud, especially when they first met me. I digress.

Returning to my original idea, I also am thinking that maybe the whole square fingernail thing was a slap in the face to God. If He wanted me to be that way he would have made my nails grow that way. So rounded we shall be!

Smorgasbord

Over the past few weeks I have had too great a number of experiences that I fear they have not all been committed to memory. What's more is that I fear this computer would not have all the memory space necessary for recording them all. Ironically I find myself sitting before this computer screen struggling to find something to write about. Although, there are a few matters I would like to address.

First matter of business would involve the anonymous someone who has been leaving me comments on this site. Dear fellow, and you must know what an audacious statement I am making by assuming that you are in fact a member of the male species, let yourself be known! You are only frustrating me as I sit here and ponder your identity, whereas allowing yourself to be known could very well prove to be beneficial for the both of us. With that said, I am expecting to hear from the real you very soon.

For those of you who are not up to speed with my life events, I am in the process of striving to become a registered nurse. Oh how I long to see that attachment behind my name. Patti Porawski R.N. So it would only make sense to update my readers on this very important aspect of my life. A few weeks ago I received me ATT (Authorization To Test). In a nutshell, this means that I have the official okay from the state of Tennessee to take my state board exam, NCLEX (Nursing Certification and Licensure Exam). My testing date is Wednesday, June 22 at 9:00 AM here in good ole Chattanooga. Please make big black marks on your calendars on this day and say a thousand prayers in my favor. I am quite terrified. I have heard far too many horror stories about failing NCLEX and certainly do not want to become one of those storytellers myself.

Another big event in my life is my lease signing for my apartment, which just so happens to be today!. At 3:00 PM I am going to sign my lease and then next week, hopefully after the rain stops, I will be able to move my things into my fabulous living quarters. Of course I am beyond excited. It is so refreshing to be on my own and not have to depend on anyone but God. He's surely been good to me.

Funny thing. My patients always question me about my social life. Yet yesterday was the first time I have ever had someone think I was married. It was my patient's wife who presented me with the question. I respectfully and sorrowfully replied in the negative. She then proceeded to ask if I was seeing someone. Again, negative. "Well," she replied, "We'll have to find you a special Moe." After thinking about it last night and this morning, I think she was right. He will be a special Moe. Especially considering how long I've been waiting for him.

Thus concludes my smorgasbord of thoughts to you, my readers. Enjoy!