Diving Into The Deeper End Of My Head

Although I am sure that you all would love for me to address my absence of blogging, I have bigger fish to fry and thus I must address some other things, or shall I say thing. In all honesty it is not even so much a thing as it is a particular person. For the sake of anonymity I shall refrain from using any names and just refer to such individual as I have before.

I daily have struggled this summer. Mostly with myself. I'm at constant battle with my mind. I lay in bed thinking things over again and again. Don't get me wrong, I see blessings around me with every breath I take. But often I feel that I am in the wrong profession. At the mention of such words I can almost hear the gasps and introjections, but please hear me out. To understand the audacity of such words we must again travel back in time, but not to far, for it really was not very long ago.

I anxiously stood on the Southern Adventist University cafeteria dock. It was only just the beginning of summer and yet it felt as though it had come and gone unbeknownst to me. On the other end of the cell phone was the artificially soothing voice of my mother, attempting to convince me that everything was going to be fine. While deep in the pit of my soul I knew I had lost him. Of course this tale would not be the same if it weren't a man that I was fretting over. It was only June and he was gone for the rest of the summer. But for those few weeks that I had him, I had paradise, for you see, I loved him dearly. And thus lies my dilemma. He was gone. Tall, dark, and handsome, and gone. Gone. With my heart. And you might have deserved a Nobel Peace prize if you could convince me that he would return and things would be the same if not better than they had been for those few glorious weeks. My psychic vibes were way too strong to support anything but my gut feeling that as he took flight a chunk of my heart was with him, never to return. This was a feeling that not even Mom could erase.

I am not the type of person to say I told you so, but come August, it seems that those were the only words I could manage to extract from my heart wrenching sobs. Still to this day he does not know how I suffered that night. Dramatic as it all sounds, I felt my heart rip in half. I sat on the lower promanade overlooking Happy Valley and prayed to die. There are still many days that I feel this way, last night being the most recent. After talking to my tall, dark, and handsome past on the phone, I fought with myself to sleep. My physical body so tired and yet so restless. And then my release came with a flood of tears. I cried like I have not cried in so long. Where did I go wrong? What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so defective? Why can't I just be bitter and not love him so?

Lately I have desparately tried dropping not so subtle hints that I still care about him. Most unsuccessful. At least he is not saying anything in regards to my comments. After admitting my feelings twice and getting a not so positive response I decided to call it quits. No more love proclamations! To this I vowed. Yet lately it is all I can do to not stop him before I hang up the phone and say, "I still love you."

In the midsts of my tears last night I became overwhelmed with all these emotions and although I have vowed to not even so much as utter those three little words there is something I have to say:

You know who you are. You may read this, or you may never set eyes upon these words. If I were not such a coward I would tell you with my own voice, but this will have to suffice, to ease the urges of my soul. I love you. I love you like the first day. Like the first time you kissed me. And I fear I always will. And thus this is my curse, and this too is my blessing, to awaken every day and long to see your smile and hear your voice. My heart is brimming with such emotion that it leaves me dumbfounded. I can only pray these words might pull on your heart strings and warm your soul. I miss you, you know. I miss your looks and your laugh and the way you used to reach over to hold my hand. If this is all that will ever be, then leave me be. Bid me farewell and best of luck with life. Cut me loose, but know this, wherever you go, and whatever path you choose, and whoever you give your heart to, no one will ever love you as much as I do.

As a closing note, I apologize if I have offended or frightened my readers. I am sure that I will be hearing from some of you concerning these things. I know far too well the responses I shall receive for this. But in all honesty, I am tired, tired of pretending that I have healed and have moved on to greener pastures. I have never been so candid about any aspect of my life. Thus without floatation device or even a warning you may have just been undesirably thrown into the deep end of my head. . . .or shall I say my heart?