Roll The Dice

I've become so accustomed to thinking with my head that I rarely listen to my heart at all anymore. I suppose that is due in part to the pain that I've brought upon myself by allowing myself to think with my heart instead of my head. There is no better teacher than pain, whether it be physical, emotional, or psychological.

When something hurts you never forget it. If you're lucky it may be classified as so minor that shortly after its onset it becomes only a faint memory, yet sure to someday resurface. Unfortunately, in addition to teaching us life's hardest lessons, it also seems to set within us a whole new degree of fear that we never knew before.

Recently I recognized a situation that could have the potential to change my life for the better. Yet when I recall the things I know and I weigh the pain vs. the potential benefits, my head takes over and reins me in. Tonight I found myself in one such situation as I tried to contact someone over Myspace. I typed out what I had rehearsed in my head, and just as I was preparing to click the send button I stopped myself. I was just a simple greeting, a comment really. But then I did what I do best. I analyzed, and created my own ending to the situation. One that is never quite as appealing as I imagined it would be. Then I second guessed myself and threw the cart before the horse.

But then I thought, "What are you so worried about?" "Maybe that this is something good?" "Maybe you'll prove yourself wrong." If we always play it safe we'll never know. I'd rather feel the pain of a mistake than live the rest of my life with regret, regret because of something I didn't do - because I was too scared.

I suppose too, a big part of our problem as humans is that we negate God from the situation. He has the most amazing way of bringing people together for his glory and often times our own happiness.

So it is that I roll the dice, and anticipate what He has in store for me.

Let Yourself Go

The only thing sitting between them was General Tao's Tofu, her demeanor more relaxed than his. He inquired as to how her week had been. She proceeded at first with a sigh, and continued to express her relief as that afternoon she had finished taking her last final exam. "Relaxed" was the word she used to describe her mood. "I can see that," came his sneer response as he eyed her T-shirt, sweats, and flip-flops.

He always jested with her about women's tendency to "let themselves go" (as he called it) once they felt the securities provided by a new relationship. He spoke of it as if he had already asked her to commit to him, and she was somehow letting him down by donning a pair of sweatpants. Nevertheless his snide remark stung, and sprung inside her a string of rebuttals which she regretfully never expressed. Countless times she had dressed and manicured herself to please him, and yet she was the one nagging him to shave off 2 weeks worth of stubble.

Now, almost 5 years later those scenes replayed themselves in her head again as she dressed in front of the mirror. She was tired. Tired of constantly maintaining her beauty in hopes that someday, someone, would look at her with more than just a little appreciation. If physical appearances aren't so important then why did he make her feel so inadequate over a pair of sweatpants? Life with him was always a double standard. Nothing was ever applicable to him. He was the ultimate exception.

She glanced in the mirror before turning out the light. She was just as beautiful today as she had been almost 5 years ago sitting in that little hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant, sweatpants and all.

Word To Your Mother!

Let's get one thing straight - there's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with being 24 and being single. There's nothing wrong with this! Furthermore, I'm not some dart board you can throw random men at. I care if someone is attractive and takes care of themselves. I care if we share things in common. I care if you can make me laugh. I care if you're sensitive, patient, and just generally speaking, a good christian.

And just because someone does glance in my general direction, does not mean I am obligated to said individual. I am not obligated to talk to anyone, or go out with them. And even if someone is Seventh-day Adventist doesn't mean that they are worthwhile. Likewise, practicing anything outside the realm of Adventism doesn't automatically exclude them as a possibility.

Stop comparing me! I'm not your ex, or the girl you grew up with, or the person you've built in the dark confines of your mind. I'm me. And if that's something you can't handle then don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya! I'm done being nice and just sitting back being a spectator of my own social life. I have a say, and I've had enough. No more bad dates. No more forced dates. In fact, no more dates for awhile, period. I'm taking a hiatus.