Memphis or Bust!
Have you ever been afraid of losing something? When I was little I had a ragdoll my Great Grandmother gave me for my first birthday. Her name was Raga Baby and she went everywhere with me. If we went to the grocery store she went with me. If we went to the gas station she went with me. If I went to a friend's house for a sleepover, she was tucked in my overnight bag under a pair of underwear. And when I went away to college, she came with me, and can still be found in my bedroon closet, perched on the shelf for safe keeping.
I remember one time I lost Raga Baby, or at least I thought I did. I must have been 7 or 8 years old, but I cried like I was 2. I remember my mom had sat me down and told me that I was too old to be dragging Raga Baby out in public and I needed to find a safe place to keep her, a place where I knew she would be. The safest place I could think of was under my pillow and so that's where she was. But I didn't remember this. All I could think of was being out at the store and she was with me, and now she wasn't. I imagined her lying on the dirty linoleum floor at the supermarket and here I was at home without her. Mom had everyone in the family tear the house apart looking for her. Hours later as I frantically stripped the blankets off my bed for the fifth time, I saw her lying there under my pillow, and was filled with relief.
Now that I'm older it seems so silly that I was so scared to lose something as simple as a ragdoll. As we mature our fears mature as well and suddenly we're scared of things that really matter or make a difference in this life.
Yesterday as I rode in the mail truck beside Thumper he started telling me about a job opportunity that had come his way. Since he graduated back in May he's been sending his resume to numerous companies hoping to find a job that has all the qualities he's looking for. He's talked about job possibilities before but today was different. His voiced sounded so hopeful. He had received a callback from a company who was wanting him to send them some of his design drawings. He went on to tell me that the job is only a 3 month contract, but it would be good experience and would look good on his resume. The other catch is that the job is in Memphis, TN.
When he said this my heart jumped up into my throat. The thought of him being away for 3 months kills me. And it's not that I don't want him to get the job. I find myself struggling between praying that he gets it, and wishing that he could just stay here with me. I want him to be happy. I suppose I'm just being selfish.
For the first time in almost 17 years I feel scared like I did when I couldn't find Raga Baby. I suppose that seems like a silly comparison but maybe it's fitting to me because I remember how I felt when I lost her and although I was only 7 or 8 years old that was one of the worst feelings I can remember.
I've heard men say there's always something better out there than what you have - someone who can treat you better, someone who looks better, someone who can make you happier. I know what it's like to be the person on the back burner, the person who knows there's someone else. I guess it all boils down to being satisfied with what you have or just being lucky enough to have found someone who fills all your holes. I don't think I could have found a better match for myself then Thumper. I've never been happier in my whole life. But what if he doesn't feel that way?
I cried last night. I thought about everything and played what-if until I had myself all upset. I've never been so afraid of losing something as I am of losing him. I'm afraid to be alone again.
I remember one time I lost Raga Baby, or at least I thought I did. I must have been 7 or 8 years old, but I cried like I was 2. I remember my mom had sat me down and told me that I was too old to be dragging Raga Baby out in public and I needed to find a safe place to keep her, a place where I knew she would be. The safest place I could think of was under my pillow and so that's where she was. But I didn't remember this. All I could think of was being out at the store and she was with me, and now she wasn't. I imagined her lying on the dirty linoleum floor at the supermarket and here I was at home without her. Mom had everyone in the family tear the house apart looking for her. Hours later as I frantically stripped the blankets off my bed for the fifth time, I saw her lying there under my pillow, and was filled with relief.
Now that I'm older it seems so silly that I was so scared to lose something as simple as a ragdoll. As we mature our fears mature as well and suddenly we're scared of things that really matter or make a difference in this life.
Yesterday as I rode in the mail truck beside Thumper he started telling me about a job opportunity that had come his way. Since he graduated back in May he's been sending his resume to numerous companies hoping to find a job that has all the qualities he's looking for. He's talked about job possibilities before but today was different. His voiced sounded so hopeful. He had received a callback from a company who was wanting him to send them some of his design drawings. He went on to tell me that the job is only a 3 month contract, but it would be good experience and would look good on his resume. The other catch is that the job is in Memphis, TN.
When he said this my heart jumped up into my throat. The thought of him being away for 3 months kills me. And it's not that I don't want him to get the job. I find myself struggling between praying that he gets it, and wishing that he could just stay here with me. I want him to be happy. I suppose I'm just being selfish.
For the first time in almost 17 years I feel scared like I did when I couldn't find Raga Baby. I suppose that seems like a silly comparison but maybe it's fitting to me because I remember how I felt when I lost her and although I was only 7 or 8 years old that was one of the worst feelings I can remember.
I've heard men say there's always something better out there than what you have - someone who can treat you better, someone who looks better, someone who can make you happier. I know what it's like to be the person on the back burner, the person who knows there's someone else. I guess it all boils down to being satisfied with what you have or just being lucky enough to have found someone who fills all your holes. I don't think I could have found a better match for myself then Thumper. I've never been happier in my whole life. But what if he doesn't feel that way?
I cried last night. I thought about everything and played what-if until I had myself all upset. I've never been so afraid of losing something as I am of losing him. I'm afraid to be alone again.
posted by Patti RN | 11:55 AM
2 Comments:
You know that I lack tact but not honesty. If he really is the one God designed just for you than you WILL be just as important to him as he is to you. If you can't make it through 3 months apart it is better to know it sooner than later. If he really loves you like you love him then those 3 months will be the best thing to ever happen to you. It will remove the doubt you are feeling.
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