The New And Improved, With Attachments

Yes, that's right. You heard correctly. I received my verification of licensure this AM. I'm officially and forever Patti Porawski RN! I almost feel as if I am walking on clouds, this being one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. I'm not a nobody, but a name with a face and an occupation. One of the most respected occupations in the continental United States and all around the world. If I ever felt successful it would be at this very moment.

Again I have received some comments that need to be addressed. So now onto more pressing matters:

My dear sister, maybe I am not as smart as you think I am. I could quite possibly be the most stupifying idiot that ever walked the face of God's green earth. And quite honestly that is how people have made me feel. I really have considered all the things that you have brought to my attention. I think that most people don't realize all the things that I am aware of. I may even be more aware of some things then you think. My brain has turned over numerous scenarios of how life would be under certain hypothetical situations. Often times I have to stop myself because it all really becomes a nightmare.

Yet I am not sure what else to tell you. Sometimes I wish that I could run away to a far foreign country and leave it all behind. But I am far too attached to this place and not just because this is where we met. There are so many other people here that I love too much and could not bear to have them out of my life.

I can't seem to transfer my feelings and reasons to paper. It is something that I feel only God and I understand. And maybe there are even times when He is the only one who understands. I'm not quite sure.

But really, I'm tired. I'm so tired of trying to explain it all. Lately I have regretted some of the things that I have said. But then I reconsider and recant. I don't regret it at all. I don't regret what I feel. If I'm displeasing to others and misunderstood, then so be it. But I feel like a huge load is off my back. One thing that you forget though. It is not as if I have packed all my belongings and spontaneously headed for Bayou La Batre, Alabama actively seeking him out. His feelings are obviously his choice. We have not talked about us for a long time, and unfortunately I do not read minds. I'm not even sure if he still knows how I feel. He always used to say to me, "Patti, I know you love me." And that was the end of the conversation. He knew, and that was all I needed to know. With that I was satisfied.

I do not want people to assume that I am pursuing him, because like I said before, this is a choice that he has to make. At times I feel he has already made up his mind. But at the same time I wonder if he knew how I felt, would that make things different? I always tell him that I don't want to open a can of worms. I don't think this is something that he and I will talk about ever again, unless he finds and reads this. I think the end was long ago. But there is so much that I have never told him that I feel needs to be said. There are so many things that he really needs to know. Too much to say here.

I suppose that is all I wanted to say. I'm not ready to not love him.