Love And Marriage

Go together like a horse and carriage. We've all heard the song before whether it be during the opening credits of Married with Children or whether it was something your grandmother sang to you in jest. Yet lately I have become ever more enlightened concerning the topic. For many days now I have been formulating this blog in my head, piecing the words together so that I could best express myself, when really I cannot take all the credit for the knowledge that I am about to reveal.

Two weeks ago I filed into church as is my usual habit, saving a spot next to me in the pew for Mag. As the service progressed I waited with great anticipation for her to arrive. Well into the service I began to convince myself that she had bailed on me and I was destined to sit alone for yet another week. In a pathetic attempt to distract myself, I opened the bulletin and scanned across the page. Sermon title "Marriage and Love" and this was just the icing on the cake. In all sincerity I almost slithered out the side of the pew and drove home. I certainly was not in the mood to sit alone and then have to choke down a sermon about marriage and love. I'd rather be hung upside down by my toenails, but I digress. Shortly after my panick, Mag snuck in and plopped down next to me. I'm sure she sensed the relief on my face.

All in all though, I was glad that I stayed and here's why:

In the Bible there is a verse that says something to the effect of God is love and vice versa. The pastor made the point of then saying that God is the source of all love, which really impressed me. I had never really thought of it that way before. I believe that He sent His son to die in my place because of sin, and therefore I have always considered that He loves me, but I never really thought of Him as the source of all love. But really there is no better truth.

He later went on to say that if we don't have a relationship with God then there is no way one can say he or she is in love. How can we have love to give to someone else if we don't personally know the source of all love? At this point I felt as if I were laying on my back with my feet in the air. Consequently, when someone says that they love someone but they don't have a relationship with God, those are just feelings. Granted, those can be some very intense feelings and it may feel like love, but it is just that, a feeling.

I like to think of myself as a problem solver, or at least I like to know why things happen. Thus this whole talk of love got me to thinking of some things that have happened in my life. There is someone who I loved dearly. Or so I thought I did. I still feel as though I do. But is that really all it is? Is it just a feeling? Did I really never love said person? And really I have to ask myself these questions because I know where I was standing with God when I was with said individual and I am ashamed to say that there was not much of a relationship between us.

Then comes the other question, the one that haunts my mind night and day: why am I alone? I've gone through all the possibilities. Am I ugly? Have I inherited some major personality flaw that makes me completely unbearable? Do I smell bad? I have seriously considered all that there is to consider and yet I cannot find a reason, a legitimate reason, for me being 22 years old and in no sort of committed relationship at all. Sigh. But then I got to thinking about all this love stuff and what the pastor was saying, and maybe I'm just not quite there yet. I know that I need to work on some things where God and I are concerned, and maybe that is what He is waiting for, and once I am in a personal relationship with God, He will, being the source of all love, give me the ability and the capacity and the love that I need to give to someone else in this life.

In the meantime, we wait. . . . . . . . .