Clean Sweep

Have you ever accidentally swept up a live spider? As you brush them along the floor and into the pile of dirt they run with all their might and for all they're worth, never getting to where they want to go, almost as if they're on a miniature treadmill.

This is how I feel. I feel as if I'm being swept away but I haven't a clue as to where I'm going to end up. In the meantime I'm running, and running, and running, and running but not sure to where or to whom. Thus I'm quite exhausted and very confused.

As fall finally approaches I find myself in the mood for some cleaning. Generally this only happens in spring and fall - I'm not sure why - probably because these two seasons are the start of something totally different. Spring marks the beginning of warmth and life. Fall marks the beginning of winter, and not necessarily death, but a change that's just as unique and beautiful as spring. I've been looking forward to this change. It's actually one that I'm ready for.

I'm realizing that there are so many things in my life that I really could just do without. These last few weeks I have felt so miserable, and one just doesn't feel miserable for no reason. So I've been adding and subtracting, playing trial and error with certain things, trying to figure out what's causing my joy's downfall.

Without even guessing and testing there are some things that have laid silent in my subconscious that I've been ignoring, but am fully aware of the pain they cause. I'd be a fool plain and simple if I continued ignoring them and therefore continuing to suffer. The battle ax is out and swinging and there are some things that are going to get cut off and swept away. This is the only way I know to fix things.

The Doctor is IN

It seems that lately I have the answer to everything and anything. I'm never surprised when I answer my phone and suddenly become inundated with medical questions and detailed descriptions of personal symptoms. Generally I have something insightful to say and credible advice to give. Yet, like I previously mentioned, the questions as of late have spanned the topics of marriage, all the way down the line to sex! Listen folks, there is not an "M.D." after my name, nor is there a "G.O.D." after my name! I'm not a doctor of psychiatry. I'm not your therapist. And I'm certainly not your sex therapist! I don't have the answers you are looking for!

I understand that desperate times call for desperate measures, but please, try to find someone to spill your guts to who knows even a fraction of what you're talking about. I know Jack squat about sex people! I haven't been kissed, touched, or even looked at cross-eyed in years. In case that wasn't blunt enough for you - I'm a virgin! Hello! I'm at a loss as to what you want me to say. Not only do I not know anything about sex but I know nothing about marriage either. I know nothing about marital spats. I'm not the best mediator for this situation.

Even bigger though than my loss for words is my future plan of action. I can't say, "Don't call me." My ears and shoulders are always open for business. I'm always available to listen, and you can always cry on my shoulder. I even enjoy giving advice when I feel the situation merits my minute expertise. Yet, why would you seek the advice of someone who knows nothing about what you are experiencing? Sure, there are times when all you need is someone to listen. But wouldn't you feel odd talking about sex with someone who had never had sex before? Maybe I'm wrong, but to me that is HUGE, not to mention extremely personal. I wouldn't even talk to my mother about something like that. This is why people go to school and become therapists specializing in various aspects of human life.

I'm not saying that I'm not there for these people who find themselves in these sorts of situations. If that were the case I just wouldn't answer my phone, and I wouldn't be the friend that I am. All I'm asking is that you think before you put me in an awkward, hopeless situation.

The doctor is OUT!

Hell-O Wentworth!

The new third season of Prison Break starts this monday night. Praise the Lord I don't have to work! I can hardly contain myself!

The Winds of Change Are A Blowin'

And they blew me right into Elizabeth's salon chair. She's my hairapist. I spill my guts to her while she makes me beautiful. I've been feeling like I want to do something different with myself. I suppose some of that includes a bit of an attitude adjustment, along with some physical sprucing up.

While waiting to get into the chair I thumbed through a magazine and immediately found something that I liked. After showing it to Elizabeth she looked up at me and smiled. By this I knew she agreed, and the rest is history.

I'm not going to go so far as to say it's short, but there was a significant amount of my hair on the floor. When I want change, I go all out. I feel lighter. I feel different, but still me.

Throwing In The Towel

With each passing day I am becoming more and more resolved with the idea of just remaining single, not because I want to, but because it seems inevitable. I've never had much success when it comes to love. I generally find myself falling for Mr. Unattainable.

My love life consists of 2 distinct scenarios: I love the man who will never love me in return, and I love the man who realistically would never exist. I fear too, that I've set the bar too high, so that even the most perfect person has some unacceptable flaw. How picky is too picky, and am I settling if I decide to nix some of my standards and values just to ensure that I'm not alone?

For my 24th birthday Dolly sent me the most amazing package brimming with wonderfully personalized gifts. In her wisdom she sent me a copy of a book she's read and reread, and insists has changed the way she relates to men. It's called "Catch Him and Keep Him." by Christian Carter. Apparently the author has cracked open the skull of the average Joe Bag O' Donuts and dissected his brain. We just so happen to be the lucky recipients of his findings.

I started reading "Catch Him and Keep Him" but didn't get very far. I'm tired. I'm tired of being told that I have to play this game, and follow these rules just to hook a man, when there's no guarantee that he's even worthwhile.

I like to consider myself to be a fairly simple, uncomplicated female. Despite what men think there are some of us who are in fact, very decided and straight-laced . What's so complicated about wanting to be with a Christian, honest, trustworthy, faithful, sensitive man?

So really at the present my life consists mostly of work and friends, which unfortunately has proven to be just as challenging as finding Mr. Wonderful. Our lives are so mismatched anymore. Everybody's got their own agenda, and the days don't hold enough hours to accomplish everything on our To-Do list.

Ur Sure Lookin' Good!

Was the message scribbled onto a piece of paper, plastered against the driver's side window. As I rounded the ridge cut on Interstate 24 going downtown, I found myself Oreo-creamed between two 18-wheelers, which really doesn't bother me. All the trips home to Pennsylvania have broken me of any fear of trucks, over-sized loads, and even roadkill.

So of course I cruised down the hill and around the corner, jammin' all the way. Over the sounds of the radio I heard the blare of a tractor trailer horn, and I'm telling you this man was laying on his horn! I was sure that I hadn't done anything that might illicit an angry horn honking so I looked over to my right to see the driver of this monster 18-wheeler grinning from ear to ear, one hand on the wheel and the other holding up the aforementioned sign! First comes the increased blood flow to my face and then the laughter! I nearly drove off the road. It's gotta be my lucky jeans. . . . .

Music Junkie

Voodoo Number Lady and I must be kindred spirits. It seems the longer I know her, the more I find that we have in common. She has this inherent ability to sense my likes and dislikes.

For a number of weeks now she has been telling me about one of her favorite songs by Tori Amos called Famous Blue Raincoat. Apparently she found it on a single quite a few years ago and can't seem to find it anywhere else. She was sure that I would like it just as much as she does, and has been promising me that she would let me borrow it so I could make a copy for not only myself, but an extra one for her as well.

Finally, just this week she brought it into work. Not surprisingly, I really enjoyed Famous Blue Raincoat.Tori Amos is really talented on the piano. But she also brought along another CD that she wanted me to listen to so I could throw my opinion her way. The album is called Songbird and the artist is Eva Cassidy. She reminds me a lot of Nora Jones, but she seems to have a bit of a gospel edge. I wasn't sure whether I would like her work, but it will just blow you away! Her voice is so soothing, and of course I already have a favorite song. Check out the lyrics below and enjoy!

Songbird

For you there'll be no crying
For you the sun will be shining
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's all right I know it's right

And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you I love you I love you
Like never before

To you I would give the world
To you I'd never be cold
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's all right I know it's right

And the songbirds keep singing
Like they know the score
And I love you I love you I love you
Like never before Like never before

Like never before. . . . .

Sticks and Stones

We all know how the rest of the little ditty goes - may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. At first I have to laugh to myself because it's been so long since I heard someone say it. And then I have to laugh again because really it's such a crock! I suppose that was the bandaid people used back in the day to make things seem all better. I vividly remember multiple occasions where my great grandmother recited it to me.

I suppose it could just be that I'm a little overly sensitive, but I don't buy into the whole, ". . . . names will never hurt me." It seems too that the people with whom you are closest are the ones who manage to hurt you the worst. Of course that's due in part to the fact that they probably know you quite intimately, leaving you totally vulnerable. You've laid yourself wide open, all your weaknesses exposed, just waiting for someone to take a stab at you, which unfortunately is bound to happen eventually.

It's easy to be mean to someone, whether you like them or not, or even whether you love them or not. It's much easier to think of something hurtful to say to someone. Insult is easier then affirmation. And it's only natural that the vindictive part of our soul is enlarged.

Over the last few weeks I've really got my feelings hurt a couple of times. I still can't say for sure whether it was intentional or not. I like to think that it was just an overreaction on my part, but then I look at how well these people know me and reason that surely they would know that what they said or did was going to hurt me.

I know that I have a tendency to be a little thin-skinned, but compared to years past I'm much better. It seems my problem is that I let myself care too much. I let myself care about people too much, which really is a guaranteed ticket to getting yourself hurt. It's inevitable.

About a month ago there was a quote on the pull off calendar at the nurse's desk, it said, "Sometimes people care too much. I think they call it love." - Winnie the Pooh. I peeled it off and took it home with me the next morning. It's tucked away inside the one drawer in my kitchen. I look at it often. Pooh had it right, and that's exactly my problem.

Now that the hurt is wearing off, I feel more or less angry. These last few days especially, I've been stewing. Part of me would just love to retaliate and throw daggers at these individuals, because like I said before, it's easy to be mean. But really I'm not that kind of person. I guess what it all boils down to is that I would like them to know that I'm hurt. I want to know why they said what they said, or did what they did. Was it all just a joke, or am I justified in feeling so hurt?