Encore!

With meds given and patients tucked in the clock strikes 11 or as we say 2300 and thus begins downtime. In these free moments, instead of kicking back and relaxing briefly I have chosen to read up on my blog comments. It seems that I have muddied the water quite a bit with my feelings. I truly appreciate all the well calculated and genteely spoken words of encouragement concerning the direction my life is taking. But in all honesty I feel these comments are a bit biased. In fact I almost fell out of my chair necessitating some sort of resuscitation when I read some of the names of those commenting. You know who you are if you are reading this. I appreciate your point of view and yet at the same time, aside from my sister, yours is the most biased. Although I must admit that my views are also extremely biased.

Point in case, I wrote these things hoping that I would feel some sort of catharsis. I feel that I have been quite successful in my endevours. In fact I had a follow up today with someone a bit more knowledgable than any of my faithful commentors.

I really prefer gushing over my Bible and crying out to God as opposed to throwing things. For one it is less destructive and for another it is really inexpensive for a therapy session lasting as long as you desire. I held a prayer vigil, asking for leading and guiding and truth. I more or less have yet again submitted this to His will. There is a reason for these feelings. I am firm believer that there is a reason for everything that happens. I’ve also been told by someone very close to me that all the bad things in this life God will turn into something good. It my not be today or tomorrow, or even a year, but someday we can look back on a partiular scenario and see where He was leading.

Not to be hokey but there is a song by Rascal Flatts, a really great country song, and it goes a little like this:

Every long lost dream,
Lead me to where you are,
Others who broke my heart,
They were like Northern stars,
Pointing me on my way,
Into your lovin’ arms.
This much I know is true,
That God blessed the broken road,
That led me straight to you. . . . . . .

In a nutshell, this is how I feel. I had become so frustrated with myself and this façade that I was presenting. Tired of pretending that I felt one way when really my heart speaks something completely different. I can’t explain loving this person, I just always have. And to me that is the most beautiful thing. No conditions. No excuses. Just love. It’s a take it or leave it ultimatum. I feel as though a load has been lifted off my chest just by simply saying what I have been thinking for so long. But it’s in God’s hands, and He’s got a plan that is better than anything I can think of or any of my readers. It may take me awhile to get there, but it will come.