It Wouldn't Kill You

Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe it would. I think I've held back for long enough. Today's events proved to bear sufficient weight for breaking the camel's back. You really can only pretend for so long. Then after too long, and too little effort the lack thereof starts to show.

Ever feel like all you do is give? Ever feel like everyone in your life, especially those who matter most to you, all they know how to do is take? And they take, and take, and take, till there's almost nothing left. Ever feel like the things that really matter, the things that matter to you, are taking a backseat to the petty everyday trifles of everyone else? What does friendship mean anymore anyway?

The way I see it, I'm worth more than just a dial tone. I'm worth more than just a one syllable compliment, or a one line letter. I'm worth more than a first glance, or even a second or third. I've got so much passion and love, not only for life and my vocation, but more importantly for the people that make up that life. I love too easily. This is both my curse and my blessing. But this is not something to be taken advantage of. If these beliefs make me conceited than I suppose that is what I am. It is very rare that I think I'm worth much of anything. But I'm not so blind to not see that I'm definitely worth more than this.

It wouldn't kill you to put forth a little effort. And if that's too much to ask, if that's too much for you to muster up, than I guess you wouldn't be at a loss anyway, because you haven't even noticed that I'm already gone.

A Whole Lot Of Nothing

There's nothing quite as frustrating as thinking so much and yet thinking so little. Perhaps it's that there is so much, but really it contains so little worth that it's just not worth saying at all. I'm not sure. All I know is that I feel like I have so much to say, and yet the majority of it I can't say here, which really leaves me with a whole lot of nothing except for frustration, and no one to even listen to that.

E. E. Cummings

I know I've recently complained about over complimentary men, but I'm sure that if someone walked up to me and said the things that I've read in this poem I'd recant every syllable. I could only wish to write something so unspeakable, something that for years to come would touch the lives of others so deeply. I don't think I've ever heard anything so beautiful. In fact, to call it such is an understatement. I cried the first time I heard it, as well as the second. So you've been forewarned. Grab a Kleenex and enjoy:

I Carry Your Heart With Me

I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart,
I am never without it
Anywhere I go, you go, my dear
And whatever is done by only me, is your doing, my darling.

I fear no fate, for you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world, for beautiful, you are my world, my true
And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you.

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life
Which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.

Memories

Ms Bleich, my third grade teacher used to sing this song to our class, leaving us all in hysterics. For some reason, one that I can't quite put my finger on, I've been reminiscing a lot lately. While home in PA for vacation, Mom and I sat and went through boxes of old photos. Perhaps those images from the past have stuck themselves so firmly in my mind that now everything I see or hear makes me think of something else. Unfortunately for me, sometimes one memory triggers another, and yet another, until sometimes I find myself pondering things that really are so far gone and not worth remembering. Today was that day, and at the same time not that day. Let me explain:

While driving to work I happened to look up into my rearview mirror only to see a car that looked just like my darling Wanda. She was beat up just like Wanda too. For a minute I wished I was driving down Ringgold Road behind the wheel of my "Old Faithful." Of course this got me to thinking about all the places that Wanda took me, all the new places she took me, whether good or bad. It was then that I was reminded of a poem that I wrote quite a while back:

Dashboard Confessionals

As chauffeur and passenger,
One not subservient to the other,
We choose darkness,
Permitting the headlights to
Succumb to the hypnotic dances
Of the fireflies.

Closing their weary portals,
Twilight caresses our cheeks,
With a goodnight kiss
As we prepare for our farewell.

A gentle late summer's breeze
Delivers your deepest secrets
Without hesitation,
For the crickets are our only witnesses.

I marvel in your honesty
And curse the night's blindfold
Which veils the meeting of glances
During yet another,
Dashboard confessional.

Of course then I couldn't help but to think of other things that I vowed I never would. I hadn't read this poem in awhile. But after I read it, I realized how much I love it. It came out just the way I wanted it to, and writing it was like second nature, it came so easily. I suppose part of the reason it came so easily was because I really was so in love at that time of my life. Love simply propels the writer in me. It's art, in and of itself.

And then I think of how I would love to change the meaning of that poem so I could read it everyday, to soak in its beauty, but afterward not feel so broken hearted. But then something inside me scolds myself for even thinking such a thing. Despite the connotation it's adopted, it's still beautiful. It's still art. It's my expression. To change that would be to change my heart.

Even Better

This one is even better. I can't even find words to describe it. I suppose it speaks for itself:

Union of Ours

Still loving you

Precious lips,
How sorrowful thou wouldst be
Knowing the Pandora's box you've opened.
For the union of ours was the key
Releasing all the joys and tears
That accompany my love for thee.

Tender hands,
O the thrill my soul feels
At the union of ours.
I wouldst pray for death
Before releasing thee.

Beautiful eyes,
If thou couldst see
The depth, and breadth, and height
Of my longing, thou wouldst beg to be blind.
For the union of ours speaks a language
I never before have heard.
Revealing a love incomprehensible
Even unto mine own soul.

Butterflies

Have you ever watched a butterfly fly? They're not as deft and graceful as birds. They fly with some hesitation, not really following a straight path, and even the slightest wind seems to shift them off course. Yet this doesn't subtract from their beauty, in fact, it makes them all the more amazing.

While stopped at a traffic light, I watched as a single, lonely, yet breathtaking butterfly clumsily fluttered over my car and into the meadow to my left, disappearing into the tall grass. It's the simplest things like this that get me to thinking, which really there is no shortage of when it comes to me. Yet I began to relate to the situation, right down to the movement of its wings.

I often feel as if I exist in this big, ravenous world all alone - just me, surrounded by greatness - greatness of size, greatness of mind. And then comes along the wind, and where I once had focus, it's lost just as quickly as it was attained. I get side tracked by the silly and stupid of this world, those things that we only read in books and see on the big screen.

But like the butterfly, we change and we learn. We tuck deep inside ourselves the remembrance of what we once were, never to forget. And then we change, and not by choice. It's just something that this life requires of us, in order to survive. It's like they say, "Live and learn." But maybe it should be the other way around. Maybe we ought to learn and then live, live according to what we've learned. We might actually save ourselves some heartache.

So here I am, a butterfly that's once again been blown off course, chasing the clouds, delicate, and maybe even a little beautiful too. And so we learn, and continue living the good life.

Not Enough

At the risk of exposing myself and some feelings I've been hiding, there are a few things that I need to get off my chest:

I recently met someone for whom I immediately fell head over heels. Being fully aware of the fragility of my heart, I suppose he's trying to doctor me, telling me how wonderful I am etc. I can always use a boost in my confidence, but I'm beginning to think that I might make a little more headway if I get my affirmations from someone other than a male. There's no denying the exhileration that comes from receiving compliments from someone you care about. Yet at the same time, how much of it can be considered binding? How wonderful can one person really be?

I've heard it all before: "You're a diamond in the rough, worth your weight in gold, amazing etc. . . . ." and on and on. And it's not that I want to come across as conceited or even ungrateful, but when I hear these things it makes me feel sick. All this sugar-coating and flowery talk, all this flattery will only get you so far with me, because you see I've been there before.

Men know this is what we want to hear. Who doesn't want to be beautiful, the apple of someone's eye? But for me, it's so different. It all translates into something else. All those compliments are just code talk, because they figure it will leave us stunned long enough for them to get what they want out of us and then by the time we realize what hit us, they're already gone, they've been gone. It would be a lot more efficient use of their energy if they just said what they really mean. A man says, "You're beautiful." What I hear, "You're beautiful, but not beautiful enough for me."

And thus I've done it again. I've fallen for yet another person who could never see me at his side, or even want me there to begin with. Which really, I can deal with. That I can deal with. It's the continuing showers of how wonderful I am that's just too painful. It's like wearing too much perfume. The first spray smells nice. But after that your nose doesn't smell anything while everyone else suffers. Therefore, what was the point? There's too much for you to even enjoy.

I'd rather have someone acknowledge my faults and flaws. Not that I want to be judged or have a finger pointed in my face, but what's easier to believe: you're perfect and wonderful, OR the fact that you have some flaws? I'd rather be perfectly human, with all my faults and flaws laid out, because that's who I really am. I'd rather be perfectly human, and know that that's enough for someone else.

L-O-V-E

At first I wasn't quite sure why I love this song so much. I suppose it appeals to the hopeless romantic in me. I remember a day when there was someone in my life who I felt so strongly for that I would have walked through hell just to hold his hand, and then the wonderfulness of just being granted that luxury, because that's what it was.

Love, it really is a many spendid thing. And if that's not just absolutely the best feeling in the world, I'd sure like to know how it could get any better than that. Sigh. . . .I'm so helpless. Soak in these lyrics, and if possible, get the real thing, because it's even better with the music.

Far Away

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there’s just one left
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if I don’t see you anymore

On my knees, I’ll ask
Last chance for one last dance
‘Cause with you, I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I’d give it all
I’d give for us
Give anything but I won’t give up
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if I don’t see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
‘Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving
Hold on to me
and never let me go

-Nickelback

I've Got Rhythm

It's a given that I can cut some rug, but I'm not talking about that kind of rhythm. My circadian rhythm is back on track. Although I've only been eatting and sleeping like a normal human being for about a week and a half now, I feel wonderful.

Over the past few nights I've found myself getting rather sleepy around 10:30 or 11:00 PM. Thus I've listened to my body and gone to bed. Almost every night I've slept like a rock and then woke in the morning feeling refreshed and ready to go.

Too bad that in another few days I'll be heading back to TN only to throw my body into confusion as I return to third shift, which means staying up all night, eatting whenever, and sleeping all day. It's really a unique situation, which I suppose suits me well, although sometimes I'd rather stick to the mundane and feel a bit more energized. But hey, who could ask for anything more?

The Ragweed Welcoming Committee

Thanks to Hurricane Ernesto it's about 64 degrees here in good ole' PA, and for whatever reason the sudden decrease in temperature has also brought along a catastrophic increase in the amount of pollen in the air. I've been nothing but miserable for the last 2 days, eyes watering, nose itching, oh and plenty of sneezing. It's awful because really I've been quite fortunate living in TN. I've been there for about 4 years now, and for the last 3 years I've had not even the slighest sniffle.

Too bad that Benadryl does absolutely nothing for me or else I'd go take a dose, pass out, and sleep it all off. Otherwise, everything's peachy-keen. Excuse me now while I go blow my nose, again. . . . . . .