The Newest

Here's the newest hit from my new favorite band Fall Out Boy:

"Dance, Dance"

She says she's no good with words but I'm worse
Barely stuttered out"A joke of a romantic" or stuck to my tongue
Weighed down with words too over-dramatic
Tonight it's "it can't get much worse" Vs. "no one should ever feel like.."

I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by

Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me

You always fold just before you're found out
Drink up its last call
Last resort
But only the first mistake and I...I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by
Why don't you show me the little bit of spine
You've been saving for his mattress, love

Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd loveIf they knew how misery loved me

Why don't you show me the little bit of spine
You've been saving for his mattress (mattress, mattress)
I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me

Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance this is the way they'd love (way they'd love)
Dance this is the way they'd love (way they'd love)
Dance this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me

Dance, Dance
Dance, Dance
Dance, Dance
Dance, Dance

Love And Marriage

Go together like a horse and carriage. We've all heard the song before whether it be during the opening credits of Married with Children or whether it was something your grandmother sang to you in jest. Yet lately I have become ever more enlightened concerning the topic. For many days now I have been formulating this blog in my head, piecing the words together so that I could best express myself, when really I cannot take all the credit for the knowledge that I am about to reveal.

Two weeks ago I filed into church as is my usual habit, saving a spot next to me in the pew for Mag. As the service progressed I waited with great anticipation for her to arrive. Well into the service I began to convince myself that she had bailed on me and I was destined to sit alone for yet another week. In a pathetic attempt to distract myself, I opened the bulletin and scanned across the page. Sermon title "Marriage and Love" and this was just the icing on the cake. In all sincerity I almost slithered out the side of the pew and drove home. I certainly was not in the mood to sit alone and then have to choke down a sermon about marriage and love. I'd rather be hung upside down by my toenails, but I digress. Shortly after my panick, Mag snuck in and plopped down next to me. I'm sure she sensed the relief on my face.

All in all though, I was glad that I stayed and here's why:

In the Bible there is a verse that says something to the effect of God is love and vice versa. The pastor made the point of then saying that God is the source of all love, which really impressed me. I had never really thought of it that way before. I believe that He sent His son to die in my place because of sin, and therefore I have always considered that He loves me, but I never really thought of Him as the source of all love. But really there is no better truth.

He later went on to say that if we don't have a relationship with God then there is no way one can say he or she is in love. How can we have love to give to someone else if we don't personally know the source of all love? At this point I felt as if I were laying on my back with my feet in the air. Consequently, when someone says that they love someone but they don't have a relationship with God, those are just feelings. Granted, those can be some very intense feelings and it may feel like love, but it is just that, a feeling.

I like to think of myself as a problem solver, or at least I like to know why things happen. Thus this whole talk of love got me to thinking of some things that have happened in my life. There is someone who I loved dearly. Or so I thought I did. I still feel as though I do. But is that really all it is? Is it just a feeling? Did I really never love said person? And really I have to ask myself these questions because I know where I was standing with God when I was with said individual and I am ashamed to say that there was not much of a relationship between us.

Then comes the other question, the one that haunts my mind night and day: why am I alone? I've gone through all the possibilities. Am I ugly? Have I inherited some major personality flaw that makes me completely unbearable? Do I smell bad? I have seriously considered all that there is to consider and yet I cannot find a reason, a legitimate reason, for me being 22 years old and in no sort of committed relationship at all. Sigh. But then I got to thinking about all this love stuff and what the pastor was saying, and maybe I'm just not quite there yet. I know that I need to work on some things where God and I are concerned, and maybe that is what He is waiting for, and once I am in a personal relationship with God, He will, being the source of all love, give me the ability and the capacity and the love that I need to give to someone else in this life.

In the meantime, we wait. . . . . . . . .

Wish List

It's that time of year again. Break out the mistletoe, hang the tinsel, trim the tree - the whole nine years. But really what I was referring to was that ever dreaded, infamous question: "What do you want for Christmas?"

Throughout the years I have truly grown to hate this question. I'm finding that as I get older there really is nothing that I want. On second thought, I take it back. There is a lot I want, but really what my heart desires is not something that you could box up, wrap in pretty paper, tie up with bows, and stick under the tree on Christmas Eve.

It all goes a lot deeper than the material, and straight into the abstract. Thus it seems really quite pointless to make out a wish list this year. I think I'd rather wait and see what comes my way.

Pass The Gravy

And the stuffing, and the cranberries, and oh, the turkey! Turkey day is on the rise and thus I have been thinking about all the things that I am going to miss this year as it is that I am not going to be partaking of the festivities with my family in Pennsylvania.

In fact I was telling someone the other day that I am really going to miss cooking with Dad, or at least watching him cook. He always gets up at the crack of dawn and stumbles into the kitchen with his hair going every which way, one hand stuck up inside the turkey and the other waving goofily as mom, in her negligee, snaps his picture and the dogs go berserk from the flash. Classic Thanksgiving. Then there is Dolly making me laugh doing her Swedish Chef impressions and Vicky and I flipping through the channels looking for something decent on TV.

I've really been trying not to dwell on the whole thing. I'm actually really getting excited about going to Jamie's house and meeting the rest of the Ledford crew, not to mention she has been telling me about all the food that we are going to be eatting and really and truly eatting is my favorite past time. So make way, cuz your gonna have to roll me out of the house!

IHOP Outting

The highlight of my morning (as Jamie would say) is going to be going to IHOP this AM with Jamie and Caralee. I warned her ahead of time though when she called me with the invite - be prepared to see me eat my face off - which really she has seen me do many other times at the Cracker Barrel. I'm so siked. I love breakfast food!

Angry

The title says it all. There is nothing more to say except that I'm feeling really angry today. I suppose though I could expound on the topic by saying who all exactly I am angry at but really I am hoping they have some kind of idea who they are and what they have done, rather repeatedly. What really bothers me though is that I feel I am not allowed to be angry when I know full well there is nothing wrong with the way that I am feeling. Yet in the midst of my misery I'm feeling pangs of guilt for being angry. Almost as if I don't have a legitimate reason for being angry, when really I do.

To start, I did not sleep at all again last night. This, mind you, is getting really old, really fast. If you're watching the evening news and you see my mugshot you'll know that I've either begun hallucinating due to lack of sleep and done something outside of my consciousness, or better yet, I've killed the neighbors upstairs for keeping me awake yet another night.

But all this anger really would not be complete if I was not mad at myself for one thing or another. I've been so careful with my credit cards lately. I have not used them since I graduated. And since that time I have been working religiously to pay them off before X-mas so that I could start saving for a new car. (I'm sorry Wanda to speak such blasphemy. . . . ) Thus I have been keeping track of when the money is due and then going and paying online. I've also been paying almost triple the minimum balance so that I can get out of debt fast.

Well I last checked online about a week ago and then went home and recorded on my refridge the day the next bill was due. I was sure, 100%, that it was on the 17th, which would be today. Yesterday I decided to call and double check what I owe this month, only to find out that I am late! I've been so careful not to do this and sure enough, when I came to the library today to pay the bill, I am a week late! Supposedly I was to pay the bill on the 11th, just post B-Day. I was so angry that really a profanity was called for which really just made me all the more angry because I knew that I could not do such a thing as I am also trying to clean up my mouth. Blasted conscience! Praise the Lord that tomorrow is payday. I'm praying that it's a good one too. I have so many bills to pay. It seems that I am more and more in debt than I think when really I have been doing very well. I've paid off about $1500 of what I owed on the credit card and all the furniture belongs to me now - meaning it is all paid off. But then of course I, being the sucker that I am, lent a quite large sum of money to someone last week which has put me in the hole quite badly now. What suxs even more is that I am sure I'll never see said amount of money ever again. Once it is given, it is never to be repaid. Sigh.

To top it all off, I've officially hurt my back at work. I haven't even been a nurse for a year and I'm already feeling the wear and tear of the job. Not to mention this one was really a doozy!

I think I'll go home and scrub the bathtub. Maybe that'll work out some of this frustration. . . . .

Frustration Of The Day

Stupid computer! Sorry that the previous blog is all funky looking. It never looks like the preview! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Thought Of The Day

Here's a thought:



It's a very sad day when you read someone's lips and the only word that pops out at you is the infamous "F" word. The other day I was cruising down Ringgold Road and one of those "How's My Driving?" trucks pulled up along side of me. Driving this truck was a woman who appeared to be quite perturbed with someone of whom she was talking to on her cell phone. It was quite apparent that she was yelling at said individual and thus the situation demanded my attention. As I sat idly at the traffic light I watched her from my rearview mirror. Suddenly the conversation progressed and finally escallated with the before mentioned profanity. I had to chuckle to myself that that was the only part of the conversation that I, an innocent bystander, understood.



Here's another thought:



There's a really handsome gentlemen standing across from me here at the local library. Sigh. But I'm sure that not much more can be said aside from the fact that he is across from me and very intently studying something on his own computer. Oh well. It was a nice thought nonetheless.

I Thinking Of Something. . . . .

Quite frankly, I'm not really sure what it is that I am thinking. It's that hour of the morning when I'm done all the paperwork and I have nothing left to do, and then the fatigue kicks in. I really could just fall into bed right now and not wake up for about 8-12 hours. Two down, one more to go - nights to work that is. I'm home free really.

Unfortunately I think this concludes today's blog entry. Back to work. . . . .

B-Day

As opposed to D-Day, although it feels more like D-Day. Today being the 29th or 30th birthday of someone who shall remain nameless, although I am sure that those of you who are closest to me will hit the nail on the head. I'm sure that I'm in the line of fire now and am sure to get some flack for even bringing it up but I could not resist.

Hopefully this time next year not only his age will become a blur but the person even celebrating will become more of a blur as well. Of course that sounds bad but this is the road to recovery and it's not always pretty. Sigh.

I have to give myself credit where credit is deserved and thus I'm proud to say that thus far I have not cried even once today. In fact I was out in public and I held the door open for the woman behind me and she commented that I seem to have so much energy and it is so "refreshing" to see someone like that. I suppose the bounce in my step is what gave it away, the one that Dolly tells me makes it difficult to walk arm in arm with me down the promanade at Southern.

Golly am I glad that I am not that old yet. I'm not saying that I think 30 is overly ripe and ready for the grave. I just know there has to be so much more that I have yet to experience and if I were in said person's shoes I would feel a little cheated. It seems that he has missed out on much. At lest from my perspective. But enough.

I spent the day perparing a surprise for someone I love. Hopefully the U.S. postal service will be good to me and deliver it speedily. Doubtful, but hey a girl can hope can't she? Look for a yellow box. Yeah that's right, yellow. It had to stand out!

NoRm@1?

Apparently someone that I work with claims to have found an accurate definition for what is normal and without hesitation informed me that I was not it, which brings me to my point; what is normal. I'd like to meet the idiot who even thought up the word because when it really boils down to it nothing in this world is normal, in fact from a Biblical perspective, everything is quite screwed up, and here is my reasoning:

When the world was created everything was perfect and thus one might say that everything was normal. There existed no flaw in any creature that God had made and man was so intelligent and so pure and life was so great that there was nothing that was subordinate in comparison to something else. Everything was wonderful in it's own way. Everything held purpose, a great purpose, or else why would God have made it?

Then as the story goes, curiosity killed the cat, or should I say mankind? Woman was so intrigued by the words and temptations of Satan. The thoughts of Knowlegde like she had never known whet her appetite and thus we stand a present day in the mess that was created so many moons ago, and from that point onward, nothing was normal.

Hence we return to my work situation. According to Mr. Know-It-All I'm just a little off kilter, for a number of reasons:

1. I'm a Yankee - which really doesn't make me abnormal, it makes him prejudice.
   
2. I'm female.
3. I use words like "hairy eyeball" & "narfy"
4. I'm short.
5. I went to Southern Adventist University and I genuinely liked it and all my teachers.
6. I take nursing seriously.
7. I take my mistakes seriously.
8. I don't drink.
9. I don't party.
10. I don't have sex.
11. I want to be married.
12. I want to be a mother someday.
13. I'm a Phillies, Eagles, Sixers fan regardless of how the season is going.
14. I bought a rocking chair.
15. I like writing, particularly writing poetry.

And really the list could go on and on and on and on and on. . . . . . What really urks me is that these people ask me about myself and what I like to do and what my plans are and where I think I am going in this life and then they have the gawl to ridicule me for my dreams and who I am. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and most of the people that I work with, but there are a few select few that I really could do without. As a dear dear friend just recently told me, "You are the way God meant for you to be. . ." Or maybe it should say I am who God meant for me to be. And really if this person is the standard for what's normal in this life, quite frankly, we are all doomed, because I have never met someone so harsh and judgemental ever. If he is the standard there is no such thing as hope anymore, just forget it ever existed.

And granted I am mildly different from some of the people that I have met in this lifetime, but that has never stopped them from liking me. In fact that is what has made them like me all the more - at least I think so. I could always be wrong. Let me know

Poetic Release

Surprisingly, I found a few expressive words, threw them together, and poof. . . . .poetry! Log on to poetry.com and check out the latest "Liars Anonymous"

I can't say where the inspiration for this one came from. It was something that I had started awhile ago and hit a brick wall, got really frustrated and just stopped composing. Then the other day, when the end of a really bad week was approaching, I dug out my poetry journal and poured over it for a few minutes and came up with what you read. I suppose I was inspired by something that was happening to me a few months ago, but really it doesn't matter. Just read the poem.

Who Cares?

Supposedly this is the philosophy that I have been advised to adopt, except the original verbage used is under censorship. Apparently there are quite a few things that I have to change about myself, according to a select few of my fellow co-workers.

I am fully aware of the fact that I let things bother me a bit to easily, but I think that there are some people out there who can vouch for me and testify that I have much improved in that department in comparison with years past. The little things are more like little things and thus they are less bothersome. Yet apparently there are things at work that I am supposed to allow to roll off my back as if I am a duck or something. For example, apparently I am supposed to not let a patient in respiratory distress get me flustered. Hello! If I were the person in the bed I would surely appreciate someone who cared enough to get their adrenaline pumping if I was in some sort of distress, be it respiratory or cardiac or whatever. Sigh.

It's times like these I wish I had the nerve to raise my voice and lay the smack down and vocalize what it is that I really feel. I'd rather care too much than not enough. I'd rather not look in the mirror only to find myself so doused in apathy that it's oozing from my pores. I'd rather be a little spastic every now and then than not give a $*!#.

I guess I am just a little frustrated right now. Oh wait. . .maybe that's something I should change too. . . . .